*the big day*

As the clock struck 12:01 am on January 25th, 2009 I knew that it would be a day that would change my life forever. I was finally to a 10 at 4am and started to push. I pushed for 20 seconds every 3 minutes for 3 ENTIRE HOURS! At about 7am the resident came to check on my progress and realized that the baby was facing my right side and not down like she should be so he "manually" flipped her. I'm sure you can get a pretty good picture in your head of how that was. And yes, because of my failed epidural that only numbed my knees i felt his hand and her flip. Weird is the only word to describe it. After she was flipped I got her out in 38 minutes flat! God if they would have monitored her position more closely i could have had her hours before that and had my OWN birthday! As we got down to those last 38 minutes I was crying hysterically, shaking like i was having a seizure and screaming for them to just reach in and pull her out. She was finally born! And was a beautiful 5 lbs 15 oz and 18 inches long. At this point in the story I'm guessing you are going to think it will end with "i cried at how beautiful she was and how special this bonding moment was" but if you know me that wasn't the case. I was crying alright, but because it hurt like HELL pushing that out of me! I held her and was still crying and didn't even know what to think. She was mine. That cone headed baby was all mine. They rushed to get oxygen on her and rushed her away to treat her fever. I got her back as I went up to the postpartum floor and that's when it started to sink in that I was a mom.Oh ya and a mom who had to share her birthday lol.

This past year has truly gone by so quick yet at times it seemed to never end. We have been through so much with Delilah since she was born, or better yet since conception. My pregnancy was horrible, delivery was horrible, postpartum depression was horrible, and the way her poop smelled was horrible. We thought she was our perfect "normal" baby girl and then at 3 months old what happend as I like to call it "the shit hit the fan". We dealt with cyaniotic breathing problems, using an apnea monitor 24/7, test after test that told us nothing, lots and lots of puke, lots of laundry detergent, hospital stays, allergic reactions, physical therapy, seeing specialist after specialist, and the only thing that any of this could mean was one thing. I was crazy. All the doctors constantly questioned my ability to know what the color blue was and if i knew how spitting up and vomiting were different and how God let me be a mom. I questioned myself for months and often still do. As a new mom the last thing you want is a doctor you trust with the care of your child to call you paranoid and crazy. This is the moment I lost all faith in doctors.

We almost lost our precious little girl numerous times when she would stop breathing and wouldn't start right away and I know in my heart that if I were to listen to all those doctors and did exactly as they said I would be childless today. I followed what i felt was best and in every case it was the right decision. I have learned so much this past year. I have learned more about reflux, apnea, food allergies and what the color blue actually is then i ever thought i would have to know. I have also learned that I am stronger then i give myself credit for. I know there are many other moms who have children with much higher needs than Delilah, mainly my sister in law Juli with her precious daughter Arianna, but it has still been a huge struggle for me as a person and a new mom. I have a great support group of friends and family but its still hard because they do not know exactly what we are going through, just as I don't fully know what Juli goes through. I do my best and that's all i can do.

Growing up I always had this "feeling" that having children would be hard for me...hard mainly to conceive, which it was. But i never thought that when i had a child they would be anything but normal. I have quickly realized the word "normal" means nothing. My daughter is the most perfect thing God gave me and even though we have been through hell and back and still have a long way to go i would not change it or her for the world. She has shown me things i never knew about myself and showed me that I could love someone so deeply that it hurts. She truly was my best birthday gift. We share a bond like only few moms do and I hope as she gets older that will be special to her too.

Happy Birthday Delilah Rae