*R stands for*

The letter "R" stands for many words like REALLY? ROUGH! and RIGHT NOW?! But the newest "R" word I have recently learned is Rhabdomyolysis.

Rhabdomyolysis is a serious syndrome due to a direct or indirect muscle injury. It results from a breakdown of muscle fibers and release of their contents into the bloodstream. This can lead to complications such as kidney (renal) failure. This occurs when the kidneys cannot remove waste and concentrate urine. In rare cases, rhabdomyolysis can even cause death. However, prompt treatment often brings a good outcome.

I was lucky, well actually unlucky enough to learn this word after it was my diagnosis while in the hospital last week. Lets go back to the start of how this all began.

The week of January 17th started off as any other, on a Monday. It turned bad quickly. First I got news that shook me to my core. There is one word in this world that when said makes people shudder, no matter who you are. Its a word with a bad reputation of causing death, pain and destruction in its path. If you don't already know this word is CANCER. I was informed that my best friend, the person i talk to at least 4 times a day and love more than the world itself, my mother, has breast cancer. Unfortunately this hit me right in the heart due to the fact that my fathers sister, Julie, also has breast cancer but hers is in stage 4 and she just had a double mastectomy. My moms is barely in stage 1 but that doesn't make it any less scary or concerning. The C word is still the C word no matter if its a capital one or a lowercase one. She is going to have a single mastectomy with reconstructive surgery in either February or March but luckily she doesn't need to have radiation OR chemo. She will see a geneticist to see if she carries the cancer gene which would mean she would need the other breast removed now as well to prevent it from later needing to be. She is having a hard time with all this, as well as am I. She is my mom, my everything. But I know in my heart of hearts she will get through this and be happy and healthy in no time! With nice new perky boobs to boot!

Next there is Delilah's health. Her issues are relatively not new but one thing is and that was that she was vomiting EVERY god damn night from Christmas on. She was fine during the day, played like normal, ate crappy like normal and took a nap like normal. but when the sun went down and darkness was upon us so was the exorcist vomiting Lilah. She would start out the night like any other and get ready for bed. I would give her reflux medication to her and give her a bottle while holding her upright for 30 minutes following, again like normal. But then after her bottle, or even sometimes half way through she would say her tummy hurt, start doing the reflux squirm, arching her back and was in obvious pain. This would go on as i would stand up with her to try to hold and comfort rock her until she would finally vomit then pretty much pass out cold due to being overly tired and from being in so much pain. I got to the point where we would bring a bucket (good ol Tupperware!) in to bed with us and catch it as i could tell the exact moment it was coming. Even she knew to grab the bucket before bed! So after some time and adjusting her meds, feedings, etc I had some stool samples tested and it came back positive for E. Coli. Every ones stool has some form of E. Coli but this is the "bad" form and needs to be treated. Her GI doctor called to give us the great news (it was great to us because we had NO idea what was going on with her!) and they said because of the strand that it was they could NOT treat it or it would damage her kidneys beyond repair. So basically they told me to deal with it and it would go away on its own sweet time frame. Oh and the best part....they left all this info on my cell phone as a message! I got to hear she was sick and they couldn't treat her or it would risk her kidney health over a voicemail. Now normally I don't mind getting results over the phone...if its NEGATIVE! But if the results are something that needs to be discussed further, like say, why in the hell it would damage her kidneys, needs to not and i repeat NOT be left on a voicemail. I tried calling them back to clarify some things, like why they left it on my voicemail (can you tell I'm a bit peeved??!!) but I never got a call back. Now she is doing much better...and i still never received a call back.

And all that happened just on Monday!

The week went on as all the others do with Scott working a lot, Delilah throwing fits and eating meat like its the only thing on earth to eat and me trying my hardest to throw Delilah and I the best birthday party ever! Friday finally came and i cleaned and cleaned until i physically couldn't do it any longer. I went to bed that night with a backache from overdoing it on the cleaning and awoke the next morning stunned to find that i could not move a muscle in my body, literally.

Scott thought i was being over dramatic and just didn't want to get up to finish up for the party so i asked him to help me out of bed and he did and just him touching me killed let alone all my muscles were burning with pain. It felt as though i had a bunch of blisters that covered my entire body inside and out. He helped me stand and I started to fall. He then knew something wasn't right. He helped dress me and got me into the car all while I was crying because i hurt so bad and was so scared. My mom was there already to help with the party so Delilah just stayed home with her. We honestly thought we would run to the ER and be back for her party, or at least Scott would. When I arrived Scott got me a wheelchair and into the ER. I don't think we waited long, but honestly i don't remember much as my pulse was in the teens and upon arrival my blood pressure was 68/44. They got me hooked up to a bunch of machines, put me on oxygen as my saturation was dropping fast and got an IV started with fluid. My lips were blue and my body was white, colorless. I knew it had to be serious when a team of 4 doctors came into the room to speak to us. They all looked me over and did blood work,  reflex tests, range of motion tests and a bunch of other things and said they needed to get me to a room as I would be spending the night, at the least. Once I was stable in the ER they got me into my room where i spent the next 3 long days. They drew my blood every 4 hours and ran out of veins quickly. They kept me on a liter bag of normal saline every hour and got me on a heparin drip to thin my blood. Initially they thought i could have had either a heart attack, stroke or blood clot in the middle of the night. They also started me on prednasone to help with my lungs. After some of the results started to come back they decided i was sick, very sick. My CK (heart enzyme levels) were 6,000 upon arrival at the ER and jumped to 60,000 by that next morning. The normal range is 100-200 and this meant my heart was close to start to fail. My kidney levels were horrible as well and i don't remember the numbers but i do remember that they told me my kidneys were then failing and my urine looked brown. Because I couldn't walk I had to have someone help carry me to the bathroom and back to my bed and with all the fluids they pumped in me this was often.

Back home guests started to arrive for the party except one birthday girl was missing. My mom did her best but didn't know where most of the food was, what the activities were or decorations, as we were going to do them that morning. Apparently there was a big turnout and I am very thankful for my great friends and family who were able to make it to support my daughter when i couldn't.

Scott stayed with me in the hospital until around 6 or 7 at night then my mom came and traded him places. She was off work the following day and was able to stay the night with me in the hospital since i needed 24/7 care to even get a drink of water. She got up and helped me to the bathroom every hour or so and did everything to keep me as comfortable as possible. Without her there that night would have been impossible for me. The doctor team came in the next day to discuss further testing, which didn't happen until the following day, Monday. On Monday they did some CT scans, an MRI of my thigh and told me they felt i had polymyositis (Polymyositis is a systemic connective tissue disorder characterized by inflammatory and degenerative changes in the muscles, leading to symmetric weakness and some degree of muscle atrophy. The areas principally affected are the hip, shoulders, arms, pharynx and neck.) This diagnosis was good and bad. Good because i felt like they finally knew what they were treating and i wasn't an experiment like on the tv show House but bad because usually once you get it you live with it for the rest of your life. They advised me it was their "best guess" but i would have a consult with a Rheumatoidologist before i left the hospital to make sure he felt that's what was going on. Between tests I slept and got poked by needle after needle. It got to the point where they didn't need me on the IV anymore so instead i had to get the heparin by shot every 8 hrs. I was on oxygen this entire time.

Tuesday, January 25th finally came and i was beyond sad I was in the hospital yet again on my birthday. If you don't already know Delilah and I share a birthday and so 2 years ago I was in the hospital on it due to the fact that I had given birth but to be away from her on that special day and be alone was so hard. The Rheumatoidologist finally came in that morning and said after reviewing EVERYTHING (and it was a lot trust me!) he came to the conclusion I "most likely" didn't have polymyositis but had rhabdomyolysis instead. He said I was getting much better and they "most likely" could have not given me heparin or the oral steroids and i would have gotten better with the huge amount of fluids alone. I was at this point able to walk a bit and had physical therapy come into my room twice a day to "walk me" (lol) so he felt I could be discharged to my home and continue physical and occupational therapy there. (For those of you who dont already know, Delilah and I share a birthday and so 2 years ago I was in the hospital on my birthday due to the fact that I had given birth but to be away from her on that special day this time and be alone was so hard.) The Rheumatoidologist finally came in that morning and said after reviewing EVERYTHING (and it was a lot trust me!) he came to the conclusion I "most likely" didn't have polymyositis but had rhabdomyolysis instead. He said I was getting much better and they "most likely" could have not given me heparin or the oral steroids and i would have gotten better with the huge amount of fluids alone. I was at this point able to walk a bit and had physical therapy come into my room twice a day to "walk me" (lol) so he felt I could be discharged to my home and continue physical and occupational therapy there. I was so relieved to be going home but was still so weak and in so much pain.

Delilah was very patient and waited until i got home to open her presents from her party and I got to see her open them all. that made my day! Due to my extreme weakness Scott had to stay home from work for 2 additional days to watch Delilah and help me do everything from get up to put a straw in my mouth to drink. He was so supportive through all of this! My mom and grandparents helped take Delilah when Scott had to go back to work and/or when he needed a break. It was a lot of back and forth for her but she was happy to be getting so much attention from everyone. I am finally able to walk fine and my fine motor skills like typing are getting better by the day but due to the disease and all the fluid they gave me it settled in my lungs and I now have a horrible cold. Everyday the weakness seems to be moving upward on my body and a little bit more of me is able to move properly. My blood pressure and heart rate are still low and with that and the weakness I am not able to drive, which in itself has been a pain but again i have had a great support system of family to help. I have had Delilah on my own this week and have managed but by the end of the day boy am I beat! They still don't know what caused this episode or if i will get it again but they did say that i needed to destress my life and not dwell on things so much, if that's possible! Ive had to learn the past week to rely on others for help which is very unlike me and not sweat the small stuff. Unfortunately I have been somewhat stressed though because we leave for Hawaii on Thursday and I haven't gotten a single thing ready. Tomorrow will be crunch time for sure! We are going with almost all of the Snell family for my mother in laws 60th birthday and her moms 91st birthday! I'm beyond excited to get away and relax, even though I'm still not 100% yet. I wont be able to do some of the things like surfing that i wanted to do while in Hawaii (unless i start to get better and quick!) but at least I will be able to go, see the beauty and watch my little girl have a great time.

Being in the hospital and not knowing whats wrong with you or knowing if you are going to live or die really puts things into perspective for you. Scott and my mom honestly did not know if that first day I would make it but apparently God saw fit for me to stay. I am lucky to be alive and doing as well as I am. This has changed my thinking in a lot of areas and I feel as though i have a second chance. Even though at this time there is no way to know what the future holds I will make the best of every moment i have and cherish every sloppy kiss and "i love you mama" i get from my beautiful daughter. Life is short and i was shown a glimpse of that and trust me a glimpse is more than you should be shown!