*time*

Time is flying by around me and I feel like I'm just stuck here in limbo, looking left to see my toddler sick and needing her mommy, looking right to see my mom recovering from her double mastectomy and worried about possible radiation and the long reconstruction process to come. I look up and see Scott working 2 jobs, running to school and home trying to get the 3 upstairs bedrooms painted, new trim put up and ready for carpet this Saturday and I look down to see me surrounded by all this disarray and I'm just a shell of a person. To put it lightly things have NOT been easy this year, let alone the month of March. I feel as though I cannot get my barrings and feet back on the ground, nor have ANY control over anything that is going on around me. This post is not a pity party, lets feel bad for me post...its just my life.

So many things are unsure in my life right now. Will I be able to have a second child? Will my mom recover without any complications? Will I DEVELOP breast cancer? Will Delilah ever be able to have a normal diet? Will she decide she is FINALLY ready for the potty? Will Scott ever get to slow down and be with his family more? THESE are things that go through my head daily, if not more. So lets take a closer look at why i ask each of these....

Will I have a second child? This one is very hard for me to discuss. After being diagnosed with Rhabdomyolysis in January my health has been unknown, and so has my existence. I often wonder, why did this happen to me? Why did my heart and kidneys recover and not fully fail? The doctors told Scott they felt as though I may not make it out of the hospital. I'm barely 28 for gods sake.To know this was said at all makes me question why i made it and others with heart and kidney failure don't. I believe I lived to be with my daughter, who needs me, and my husband who also could not bare losing me. But I question it non the less. The doctors at this point have no idea what caused it nor if it will return. They are also concerned I have a neurological problem that may have caused it, and/or even Multiple Sclerosis (MS). I have a long way to go in figuring all this out and after seeing my OB yesterday she feels that its very irresponsible for me to be thinking about having a second child this year. She feels if i get pregnant now I could very possibly lose my life and that of my unborn child. She feels I need to get more definite answers first so I can make an informed child of if i even can carry another child. This news sent a dagger to my heart. Scott just painted the nursery (since we wanted to before carpet) and just looking at that room and knowing what it if for and it being empty breaks my heart. This is why I ask "can i have a second child?"

My mom is doing great and recovering quicker than i thought she would! She actually goes back to work 3 days a week next week, then 4 the following and finally 5 the following week. She is getting weekly injections to "fill up" her expander's which will take a few more weeks and then she will wait about 6 months to have the reconstructive surgery. We find out today if after her reconstruction is finished she will need radiation to get rid of the cancer completely. She is in high spirits but I worry about my mom. She is my best friend and I cant imagine losing her. Unfortunately because of my moms breast cancer, my aunts breast cancer (my dads sister) and my moms mom having breast cancer my chances of getting this goes up very high. I will be starting mammograms at 30 instead of 40 and have to monitor things myself closely. Unfortunately my aunt is not doing as well. Her cancer has spread to her lymph's, spine, pelvis and lungs. 

Delilah is doing better with food, finally. But she is not quite where we would like her to be. She has passed processed baked in dairy (ie store bought bread), peanut butter, small amounts of processed potatoes (ie veggie straws) and cantaloupe! The last one is huge since i have an IgE mediated allergy to cantaloupe and avocado (as well as latex like Delilah) which means that i actually get hives, itchy, my mouth swells as well as my throat/tongue. Delilahs allergies are IgG mediated which means they cause her more gastrointestinal issues but not as many other issues, besides giving her a diaper rash and flaring her eczema and keratosis pilaris. Delilah has also backtracked a LOT from her potty training and getting rid of her bottle and binki. She was doing great with potty training last November-January but then got a stomach virus and ear infection and all that went to hell in a handbasket. She is now completely NOT interested in it and I am not pushing her at all. With the bottle we were weaning her off her Neocate (FINALLY!) and she was down to an am and pm bottle a day and cup during the day but she got another ear infection in Feb and March and now wants her bottle all the time as well as her binki. She was only using the binki at night but now she has to have it and her "kiki" (lovey blanket) with her at all times or there will be hell. I hate her getting sick and regressing but I guess its part of life.

Now onto "will Scott get to slow down and spend more time with his family?" It has been hard having Scott gone so much but I know he is doing so much for our small family. He is working his job full time, Bens job full time AND going to school full time. Oh, and i forgot, he is also working on the house everyday when he gets home. Luckily the house stuff will end soon as our house will be put back together on Sunday. This school semester ends this month but Scott will start summer semester soon. But the job situation will continue for a while, this we are unsure of how long it will last. I'm really looking forward to when Scott isn't so stressed and busy...

As for me I am just trying to keep everything together while trying not to dwell on to much at a time.