*guilt*

Here's a little catch-up since my last post about being in the hospital:
I had my appendix removed on November 4th and got to leave later on that day. I have 3 incisions (one that's about 2 in by my right rib cage, 1 pinhole size one in my belly button and one that's about 3-4 inches on my bikini line (where they would normally do a C-Section incision)). All my steri strips have now fallen off and I'm doing well. The first week was hard...not being able to lift Delilah or much of anything for that matter and even bending to get up or out of bed was painful. The second week (this week) was much better and now I only have a slight amount of pain if i try to pick up something heavy or bend a lot. I am lucky that the incisions did not get infected and I'm just about 100% again :)

Delilah has been doing well with her Occupational Therapy and Feeding Therapy and we are slowing getting her to eat more and more foods. This has been a real struggle. You never would think feeding an almost 2 yr old would be difficult but when your child has food aversions from not eating normally from when they were an infant even getting her to eat 1 meal a day is HUGE! She still has only gained 1 lb since last December but we are hoping that will change soon. She is still wearing the same size clothes as last December too! Shes so long that she needs 2T pants and shirts but they just drown her because shes so skinny! All of her onesies that fit are still 12 months.

Scott is working and going to school full time but will soon be ending fall semester (THANK GOD!) and will be going part time in spring semester. He is getting quite burned out and really needs to take a break. He will be having the week between Christmas and New Years off which I'm quite excited about. Hopefully he can get the fireplace done!

And now onto me :)

Ive been down lately and needing my girls to lean on so last Saturday after Cloees birthday (happy 2nd Birthday Cloee!) Mollie, Kristen, Erin and myself went out for a few hours to reconnect and left the babies with the boys :) Luckily when we got home no one needed stitches and everyone was in one piece. While we were out I was asked by Mollie why I don't blog as much as I used to. At the time I really didn't have an answer except that with Lilah and life I get busy. But thinking more about it I don't blog as much because most of the issues are with me lately and I really don't like having any type of spotlight on myself.

Besides getting my appendix out I am having quite a few health issues including high blood pressure which causes me to take 2 different meds per day for it and I'm being checked for Celiacs Disease among other things. This scares me. Ive dealt with Delilahs food issues and I think at first I didn't think she had any issues because I also get sick after eating. If i would have put 2 and 2 together and got myself looked at years ago i could have saved my daughter a lot of pain and suffering. This is hard for me to accept. Its hard to realize that Ill be having to read labels for myself and do Total Elimination Diets for myself and food journeling. I do all this for her but to actually think about doing it for me is a whole different story. I thought this was just my "normal" until I had Delilah. Her issues have opened so many doors for myself and I'm finding I have many of the same issues she has (reflux, upper airway resistance, food intolerance's, protein intolerance, just to name a few). And each and every time I find out that I have yet another thing that Delilah has I get more upset that I didn't listen to my body and get it checked out before Delilah came along. I could have known all this ahead of time and helped her more quickly to not suffer. but instead I wrote off my symptoms and didn't take care of things like I should have and now my daughter is suffering and paving the way for me. It should have been the other way around. I'm really struggling to accept all this. I go to therapy once a week and I'm working on my "mommy guilt" but its so strong and can take over my days if i let it. My Postpartum Depression has lingered way past its welcome and I'm ready to move on and be happy again. I don't remember the happy Jesse. Right now all i know is the stressed, anxious, guilty Jesse. I have made many mistakes in my life, all of which I'm trying to correct but the fact that they happened in the first place really gets to me. I'm not going to go into specifics on this subject but those of you who know what I'm talking about can relate.

So why haven't I been blogging? Because my guilt has gotten the best of me.